Today is one of those days of reflection that has taken my head and my heart into some deep places to process...
Their are many very good times in life that I have thousands of pictures from, that are in many rubbermaid containers not seen for quite some time. With my fading memory and/or the lack of it, they are just the trigger it would take to recollect an event. Now, their are also the unpleasant, stressful, frightful, fearful, regret filled mistakes & memories that have wreaked some havoc for me over a long period of time. From many of those, I still struggle with the sins I am drawn to pursue. Those I wish I could just never remember again, those appear without a picture, much like they happened yesterday and some actually did..
Yes, those deep dark times, they've brought spiritual growth and the deep seeded need for Jesus, and they have found me headlong in my own healing to be in a ministry seemingly well suited. Some of those mistakes & memories are areas well healed over with a scar to remind of the grace Jesus died on the cross for. A few others are like a wound, the scab picked off repeatedly or often enough to keep them bleeding open wounds that have no chance of scarring over if not left alone, avoided the revisiting or participating in of not so good behaviour..
It's a cycle of most everyone's life to some degree I am most certain of.. I certainly do a lot of praying, and reading of scripture on the days that I win the battle the most. When I do neither, those are the days or periods of time that sin creeps all over me with temptation and well, some ugly indulgence..
God is a merciful loving heavenly Father, whom I trust with my heart mind and soul... It's me that gets in the way.. Here's to each day bringing a new morning of mercies.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
Lamentations 3:21-23
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
a "not" instead of "got" brought back painful memories....
Last night at Alpha, I KNEW something was up with "S.E." almost as soon as we pulled our chairs in closer to pray.. tonight when I spoke to her on the phone we got down to the nitty gritty of what had happened and were able to straighten it out. At the end of our small group time, her immediate exit at a fast pace from the cry room (where we meet), down the stairs and out past the crowd to the exit door had me concerned. I still had women in the room and needed to stay, but my instinct was to go after her as I watched from the cry room windows her escape which is very unlike her.. as we all headed downstairs, I said my goodbyes, found a bible to give to the women who had just given her life to Christ, listened with her as Bill gave her an overview of the bible new vs old testaments, the books that are the gospels and for her to read a chapter a day of John. This only took about 3 minutes, and I was already texting "S.E.", calling her phone a couple of times, only to hang up as VM instructed me which leaves her a missed call instead of a message. To no avail, she wasn't responding.
I tried calling her a couple of times Friday with no response, I was feeling pretty low that their was a rift between us in some way. But she called me later and we coincidentally "tripped" over the reason for her distress. Here's how it kind of went that night and what we talked through on the phone.
Story:
"S.E." is here in CA on a year long internship for her Phd in Psychology and family counseling of some type. She hails from WI., is a commited christian and dedicated to ministry, joined Alpha to connect with others during her remaining stay till she completes her work study. "S.E." had been telling me briefly prior to dinner as we sat at our table before the others had come, about her speaking to her sister who had a torn ACL. Her sister isn't one much for faith, but that she told her on phone that night that she would be praying she would be healed.. her sister responded "okay thanks" which is the best response ever to a religious expression. (these siblings have a monsterous upbringing of horror).. and then "S.E" comes to alpha running late after a tough week and horrible day, and the subject is HEALING (spiritual, physical or emotional).. How is that possible you might ask, well, yes it's possible. God works that way.
During the larger main talk, Lina and Governor Joy (no he's not a governer, that is his given name) shared about her medical miracle of a near death event after donating bone marrow with an infection in the hip and than a wrong blood transfusion that had the dr's telling Governor it was time to pull the plug, but he refused.. 4 months later, she left the hospital alive.. Lina has been sharing her blessing of healing for 14 years. It's a powerful testimony and they give all the glory to their heavenly Father.
We go to our small group and at the onset of sitting down I begin by saying we will just get right into praying for healing with the belief it still happens. "S.E." begins explaining her sisters need for healing for her knee.. and I casually give her the response of "well we can pray for her later, "this has GOT to be about you, personally"... Because "S.E." has had dire experiences since a toddler into her teens of intense verbal, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of people her parents associated with in a lifestyle way out of the norm, she hears me say something else. She hears me say "this is NOT to be about you, personally". Which in hindsight she realizes doesn't make sense after seeing what happened, but it's where her mind took her. She instantly reverts back into the memories of the humiliating words spoken to her about how "it isn't about you" so often and being blamed for the painful bloody wounds of a sister that were not her fault in an accident. Tonight she tells me that she wanted to bolt from the room immediately, but a part of her was trying to focus on what was going on, hearing the good that was going on in the circle, but yet her mind and heart were hurting and the tears started to flow. Which tears in our womens group is not abnormal! The trigger for her was transposing the words "Got" for "Not", and her counselor side trying to work through the place she was going, and doing okay enough to stay but being hurt by the words all over again. But I didn't know what was happening and she said theres no way I could have known and that night if I had caught up with her she wouldn't have been able to explain it except it coming out in a jumbled babbling tear filled mess of words. Thankfully she stayed in the circle, contributed in the prayer time, but her tears were just flowing, and her mind was getting caught up in the replay of the emotions so painful.
She says now that by the time she had cried her way home, cried it out and thought about it, she realized that the tears had been working themselves up during a stressful week, hearing of her sisters plight just before coming, the Lina Joy healing story, and than what transpired above.. a bit like the floor coming out from under her.. tears were inevitable. The physcologist in her knew my words as she thought she heard them just started the avalance, but our conversation on the phone tonight and my asking her what it was I said that caused this.. (I was already apologizing that I had hurt her)... when she said the statement to me, I thought, wait a minute, I didn't say that.. and so I said wait a minute.. "S.E." that statement doesn't line up with what I actually said and how the prayer night for healing played out.. What I said was that "it's GOT to be about you" what your going to ask prayer about, and not about someone else.. She thought it through and we laughed that I just saved her a session on a therapy couch (no charge) for clearing up the misunderstanding.... we chatted a bit as to her's and my thoughts on how triggers with the deep emotional stresses she has endured, will always be a part of her and she knows that she has to work through them.
Praise Jesus for facing up to a supposed conflict head on and quickly, getting it out there on the table and correcting it.. so much easier than turning the other way and letting it "blow in the wind" unresolved. God is good to fill us with compassion and love for others.. And for "S.E." and I, a friendship not lost, but strengthened.
I tried calling her a couple of times Friday with no response, I was feeling pretty low that their was a rift between us in some way. But she called me later and we coincidentally "tripped" over the reason for her distress. Here's how it kind of went that night and what we talked through on the phone.
Story:
"S.E." is here in CA on a year long internship for her Phd in Psychology and family counseling of some type. She hails from WI., is a commited christian and dedicated to ministry, joined Alpha to connect with others during her remaining stay till she completes her work study. "S.E." had been telling me briefly prior to dinner as we sat at our table before the others had come, about her speaking to her sister who had a torn ACL. Her sister isn't one much for faith, but that she told her on phone that night that she would be praying she would be healed.. her sister responded "okay thanks" which is the best response ever to a religious expression. (these siblings have a monsterous upbringing of horror).. and then "S.E" comes to alpha running late after a tough week and horrible day, and the subject is HEALING (spiritual, physical or emotional).. How is that possible you might ask, well, yes it's possible. God works that way.
During the larger main talk, Lina and Governor Joy (no he's not a governer, that is his given name) shared about her medical miracle of a near death event after donating bone marrow with an infection in the hip and than a wrong blood transfusion that had the dr's telling Governor it was time to pull the plug, but he refused.. 4 months later, she left the hospital alive.. Lina has been sharing her blessing of healing for 14 years. It's a powerful testimony and they give all the glory to their heavenly Father.
We go to our small group and at the onset of sitting down I begin by saying we will just get right into praying for healing with the belief it still happens. "S.E." begins explaining her sisters need for healing for her knee.. and I casually give her the response of "well we can pray for her later, "this has GOT to be about you, personally"... Because "S.E." has had dire experiences since a toddler into her teens of intense verbal, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of people her parents associated with in a lifestyle way out of the norm, she hears me say something else. She hears me say "this is NOT to be about you, personally". Which in hindsight she realizes doesn't make sense after seeing what happened, but it's where her mind took her. She instantly reverts back into the memories of the humiliating words spoken to her about how "it isn't about you" so often and being blamed for the painful bloody wounds of a sister that were not her fault in an accident. Tonight she tells me that she wanted to bolt from the room immediately, but a part of her was trying to focus on what was going on, hearing the good that was going on in the circle, but yet her mind and heart were hurting and the tears started to flow. Which tears in our womens group is not abnormal! The trigger for her was transposing the words "Got" for "Not", and her counselor side trying to work through the place she was going, and doing okay enough to stay but being hurt by the words all over again. But I didn't know what was happening and she said theres no way I could have known and that night if I had caught up with her she wouldn't have been able to explain it except it coming out in a jumbled babbling tear filled mess of words. Thankfully she stayed in the circle, contributed in the prayer time, but her tears were just flowing, and her mind was getting caught up in the replay of the emotions so painful.
She says now that by the time she had cried her way home, cried it out and thought about it, she realized that the tears had been working themselves up during a stressful week, hearing of her sisters plight just before coming, the Lina Joy healing story, and than what transpired above.. a bit like the floor coming out from under her.. tears were inevitable. The physcologist in her knew my words as she thought she heard them just started the avalance, but our conversation on the phone tonight and my asking her what it was I said that caused this.. (I was already apologizing that I had hurt her)... when she said the statement to me, I thought, wait a minute, I didn't say that.. and so I said wait a minute.. "S.E." that statement doesn't line up with what I actually said and how the prayer night for healing played out.. What I said was that "it's GOT to be about you" what your going to ask prayer about, and not about someone else.. She thought it through and we laughed that I just saved her a session on a therapy couch (no charge) for clearing up the misunderstanding.... we chatted a bit as to her's and my thoughts on how triggers with the deep emotional stresses she has endured, will always be a part of her and she knows that she has to work through them.
Praise Jesus for facing up to a supposed conflict head on and quickly, getting it out there on the table and correcting it.. so much easier than turning the other way and letting it "blow in the wind" unresolved. God is good to fill us with compassion and love for others.. And for "S.E." and I, a friendship not lost, but strengthened.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
selfish on my own, but God always wins out
Well, it's happened enough times that if I would just realize that whenever I'd rather be selfish and NOT attend something I've committed to for the Alpha ministry, that I am in for a great blessing and make sure I'm there... I have been a small group leader for over the past 5 years and there occasionally comes a Thursday night (or two) or a Saturdays all day Alpha retreat where where I'd prefer to curl up on my couch in my pj's or spend a day relaxing or doing something with Greg instead..
This past Saturday was one of those all day Alpha retreats. Leading up to it the last couple of months has been constant activity, lots of heavy yard work, gardening, early mornings for work, late nights not adjusting my bedtime to well for those early mornings which had me rather worn out and not so excited about attending.. I had only one person from my group who said they were coming. I'll call her "R" and had spoken to her at Thursday nights Alpha and on the phone with some subtle hints that I'd totally understand if something came up, plenty of chances to let me know she was going to back out. But no, she was coming, even called me that morning as I stepped out of the shower (running kind of late) asking if I could pick her up to get there on time.. oops, sorry... I was committed, she was on her way (walking, short distance of a long block from her place to the church) while I quickly finished getting ready.. When I arrived at the church not only was she there from my group, but also a young woman I will refer to as "S", who had said on Thursday there wasn't any way she could make it because of her 6 yr old daughters swim meet, but she felt she needed to be here... (at this point I'm swallowing hard, guilt creeping into my throat that I had wanted to back out).
I drove a carpool group together to the location, a beautiful home in the Fullerton hills owned by a couple from our church whom hospitality is their gift. Now let me give you a little background on these two beautiful women from my group.. They have had some rough bumps in their life that are way above average, and some of it isn't very easy for many to hear and than know how to react in a way that isn't one of astonished surprise with stumbling words in response. "R" being abandoned young often by her parents, raised mostly by a strict grandmother who loved her well. "R" is the mom of 4 kids w/ 3 dads ages 24, 10, 7, 2, did 16 mo in prison for possession w/ intent to sell of narcotics after her third child, shoplifting charges in her youth, past addictions. "S" was a straight laced young girl through her teens, out of shear respect for her moms hard work to support them. She watched her single mom with severe arthritis who was left by a man because he felt she wasn't able to be a "wife" anymore and he needed a woman.. "S" loves her mom who worked extremely hard, long hours to provide minimally the basics of very little to eat, little for clothes and they lived in rough places. The bitterness continues toward her estranged dad carried into every part of her life, I think this was news to her that it was still wreaking havoc.. "S" had a child at 19 to raise on her own with only her moms help, "S" had two abortions after this and has such remorse for this.. "S" had attended week 1 of Alpha and than hadn't returned until Week 5, which is the theme night of evil... I speak on this night, and following the large group session she was pretty tearful, I saw her go into the bathroom as we went for dessert before going into our small groups, but then she had left without a word.. So this had me really surprised that she showed up for the Saturday retreat. But they are at Alpha because they know they can no longer figure out life on their own and it's there journey..
Alpha does alot around food, and so that's how we start the morning with a table buffet of a breakfast spread as we sit and mingle around the beautifully large backyard of swimming pool, numerous seating areas all around the deck, fire pit, grassy shade area overlooking the golf course down the hill or in the house with the open wall of windows between the indoors and the great outdoors.. and the conversations between the large group that has come together to share a day, some laughs, etc.. good time..
The Alpha retreat days theme is learning about the Holy Spirit. In the morning Bill White teaches on "who the Holy is" and in the afternoon he teaches a session on "what the Holy Spirit does".. and we have some small group time following each of these. Lunch comes in the middle of the time here and it's a great spread of variety and good food, and than the table is transformed into a snack haven for munching.... This day is really where the rubber meets the road in my opinion because, well, it really comes down to deciding one way or the other if your not sure whether God is real or relevant as to if you believe or are just somewhat amused with the information. Bill hit a homerun this day as he usually does, but he changed up a couple of things, threw in a scripture verse that he hadn't used before. That afternoon session touched me in a fresh way maybe more so than others. Well, it was touching my two ladies also.. God is so good.
After the morning session in our small group... I probed "S" on some stuff she was telling us about her life, asked her what was the obstacle in her understanding about God and Jesus, what had she heard in the morning session that she wanted to talk about......... her answers were very honest and than one question, then the tears just began to flow as she let out some anger, frustration etc, which surprised her... whew, that can feel so good. I didn't know what to say to make it better, you can't... but I was just glad she expressed it and allowed herself the freedom to have the ability to be honest, no more covering it up as if she'd be just okay with it stuffed down deep.. My encouragement for her was that our Heavenly Fathers desire for each of us no matter what kind of earthly father we have had or didn't have, is that HE alone is enough for us and that he be enough for us.
"R" has attended all of the Thursday night Alpha sessions and she was basically admitting that she was standing right at the edge of accepting Christ, but wasn't sure what was her obstacle..my instinct was that it would require a HUGE change in her lifestyle she wasn't comfortable knowing it could happen..
This was the key verse that I heard today, first time ever and it.... just made such sense to me as WHY our sinful nature can and does return.. evil is powerful
Matthew12: 43-45,
43 When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44 then it says, "I will return to the house I left." When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45 then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.
What does this mean: When we chase out the evil but don't fill our entire lives up with the Holy Spirit who guides us in Christ, we leave the door wide open for the evil spirits to return and to be worse than it was before. And this is absolutely true, we want the initial change and do all we can to keep it going, until we become complacent with the nurturing our spirituality and sins temptations become stronger, alluring. This is a very compelling verse for us to be highly motivated to fight the daily lure of sin and the damage that can be done
As the afternoon session ended and the day was winding down, there was a time given for each to just reflect on what had been heard on this day, and than to have prayer over them by their leader.. after a short amount of time, my ladies came out and over to the fire pit where we had been meeting. "R" & "S" sit down and "R" just starts to say that she is ready to give her life over to Christ that she can no longer go on with her life as she has and wants to tell her kids about Jesus... God is good.. so I tell her that I am going to pray with her and will give her a few sentences of some kind and ask her to just repeat them after me. (I know it's not a contract, so I'll be winging the sorry, thank you, please prayer). "S" is sitting there just holding hands with us and we all hug afterwards.. And than "S" tells us that she is too ready to accept that Jesus is what she needs in her life, to teach her daughter of him.. So I do a similar prayer with "S" and just sit there taking it all in.. I introduce my new sisters in Christ as we leave that day and they receive hugs and encouragement.. All glory to God our father..
I am so blessed that God allows me to be a part of this...
This past Saturday was one of those all day Alpha retreats. Leading up to it the last couple of months has been constant activity, lots of heavy yard work, gardening, early mornings for work, late nights not adjusting my bedtime to well for those early mornings which had me rather worn out and not so excited about attending.. I had only one person from my group who said they were coming. I'll call her "R" and had spoken to her at Thursday nights Alpha and on the phone with some subtle hints that I'd totally understand if something came up, plenty of chances to let me know she was going to back out. But no, she was coming, even called me that morning as I stepped out of the shower (running kind of late) asking if I could pick her up to get there on time.. oops, sorry... I was committed, she was on her way (walking, short distance of a long block from her place to the church) while I quickly finished getting ready.. When I arrived at the church not only was she there from my group, but also a young woman I will refer to as "S", who had said on Thursday there wasn't any way she could make it because of her 6 yr old daughters swim meet, but she felt she needed to be here... (at this point I'm swallowing hard, guilt creeping into my throat that I had wanted to back out).
I drove a carpool group together to the location, a beautiful home in the Fullerton hills owned by a couple from our church whom hospitality is their gift. Now let me give you a little background on these two beautiful women from my group.. They have had some rough bumps in their life that are way above average, and some of it isn't very easy for many to hear and than know how to react in a way that isn't one of astonished surprise with stumbling words in response. "R" being abandoned young often by her parents, raised mostly by a strict grandmother who loved her well. "R" is the mom of 4 kids w/ 3 dads ages 24, 10, 7, 2, did 16 mo in prison for possession w/ intent to sell of narcotics after her third child, shoplifting charges in her youth, past addictions. "S" was a straight laced young girl through her teens, out of shear respect for her moms hard work to support them. She watched her single mom with severe arthritis who was left by a man because he felt she wasn't able to be a "wife" anymore and he needed a woman.. "S" loves her mom who worked extremely hard, long hours to provide minimally the basics of very little to eat, little for clothes and they lived in rough places. The bitterness continues toward her estranged dad carried into every part of her life, I think this was news to her that it was still wreaking havoc.. "S" had a child at 19 to raise on her own with only her moms help, "S" had two abortions after this and has such remorse for this.. "S" had attended week 1 of Alpha and than hadn't returned until Week 5, which is the theme night of evil... I speak on this night, and following the large group session she was pretty tearful, I saw her go into the bathroom as we went for dessert before going into our small groups, but then she had left without a word.. So this had me really surprised that she showed up for the Saturday retreat. But they are at Alpha because they know they can no longer figure out life on their own and it's there journey..
Alpha does alot around food, and so that's how we start the morning with a table buffet of a breakfast spread as we sit and mingle around the beautifully large backyard of swimming pool, numerous seating areas all around the deck, fire pit, grassy shade area overlooking the golf course down the hill or in the house with the open wall of windows between the indoors and the great outdoors.. and the conversations between the large group that has come together to share a day, some laughs, etc.. good time..
The Alpha retreat days theme is learning about the Holy Spirit. In the morning Bill White teaches on "who the Holy is" and in the afternoon he teaches a session on "what the Holy Spirit does".. and we have some small group time following each of these. Lunch comes in the middle of the time here and it's a great spread of variety and good food, and than the table is transformed into a snack haven for munching.... This day is really where the rubber meets the road in my opinion because, well, it really comes down to deciding one way or the other if your not sure whether God is real or relevant as to if you believe or are just somewhat amused with the information. Bill hit a homerun this day as he usually does, but he changed up a couple of things, threw in a scripture verse that he hadn't used before. That afternoon session touched me in a fresh way maybe more so than others. Well, it was touching my two ladies also.. God is so good.
After the morning session in our small group... I probed "S" on some stuff she was telling us about her life, asked her what was the obstacle in her understanding about God and Jesus, what had she heard in the morning session that she wanted to talk about......... her answers were very honest and than one question, then the tears just began to flow as she let out some anger, frustration etc, which surprised her... whew, that can feel so good. I didn't know what to say to make it better, you can't... but I was just glad she expressed it and allowed herself the freedom to have the ability to be honest, no more covering it up as if she'd be just okay with it stuffed down deep.. My encouragement for her was that our Heavenly Fathers desire for each of us no matter what kind of earthly father we have had or didn't have, is that HE alone is enough for us and that he be enough for us.
"R" has attended all of the Thursday night Alpha sessions and she was basically admitting that she was standing right at the edge of accepting Christ, but wasn't sure what was her obstacle..my instinct was that it would require a HUGE change in her lifestyle she wasn't comfortable knowing it could happen..
This was the key verse that I heard today, first time ever and it.... just made such sense to me as WHY our sinful nature can and does return.. evil is powerful
Matthew12: 43-45,
43 When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44 then it says, "I will return to the house I left." When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45 then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.
What does this mean: When we chase out the evil but don't fill our entire lives up with the Holy Spirit who guides us in Christ, we leave the door wide open for the evil spirits to return and to be worse than it was before. And this is absolutely true, we want the initial change and do all we can to keep it going, until we become complacent with the nurturing our spirituality and sins temptations become stronger, alluring. This is a very compelling verse for us to be highly motivated to fight the daily lure of sin and the damage that can be done
As the afternoon session ended and the day was winding down, there was a time given for each to just reflect on what had been heard on this day, and than to have prayer over them by their leader.. after a short amount of time, my ladies came out and over to the fire pit where we had been meeting. "R" & "S" sit down and "R" just starts to say that she is ready to give her life over to Christ that she can no longer go on with her life as she has and wants to tell her kids about Jesus... God is good.. so I tell her that I am going to pray with her and will give her a few sentences of some kind and ask her to just repeat them after me. (I know it's not a contract, so I'll be winging the sorry, thank you, please prayer). "S" is sitting there just holding hands with us and we all hug afterwards.. And than "S" tells us that she is too ready to accept that Jesus is what she needs in her life, to teach her daughter of him.. So I do a similar prayer with "S" and just sit there taking it all in.. I introduce my new sisters in Christ as we leave that day and they receive hugs and encouragement.. All glory to God our father..
I am so blessed that God allows me to be a part of this...
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