a "not" instead of "got" brought back painful memories....

Last night at Alpha, I KNEW something was up with "S.E." almost as soon as we pulled our chairs in closer to pray.. tonight when I spoke to her on the phone we got down to the nitty gritty of what had happened and were able to straighten it out.   At the end of our small group time, her immediate exit at a fast pace from the cry room (where we meet), down the stairs and out past the crowd to the exit door had me concerned.  I still had women in the room and needed to stay, but my instinct was to go after her as I watched from the cry room windows her escape which is very unlike her.. as we all headed downstairs, I said my goodbyes, found a bible to give to the women who had just given her life to Christ, listened with her as Bill gave her an overview of the bible new vs old testaments, the books that are the gospels and for her to read a chapter a day of John. This only took about 3 minutes, and I was already texting "S.E.", calling her phone a couple of times, only to hang up as VM instructed me which leaves her a missed call instead of a message. To no avail, she wasn't responding.


I tried calling her a couple of times Friday with no response, I was feeling pretty low that their was a rift between us in some way.  But she called me later and we coincidentally "tripped" over the reason for her distress. Here's how it kind of went that night and what we talked through on the phone.


Story:
"S.E." is here in CA on a year long internship for her Phd in Psychology and family counseling of some type. She hails from WI., is a commited christian and dedicated to ministry, joined Alpha to connect with others during her remaining stay till she completes her work study. "S.E." had been telling me briefly prior to dinner as we sat at our table before the others had come, about her speaking to her sister who had a torn ACL.  Her sister isn't one much for faith, but that she told her on phone that night that she would be praying she would be healed.. her sister responded "okay thanks" which is the best response ever to a religious expression. (these siblings have a monsterous upbringing of horror).. and then "S.E" comes to alpha running late after a tough week and horrible day, and the subject is HEALING (spiritual, physical or emotional).. How is that possible you might ask, well, yes it's possible. God works that way.

During the larger main talk, Lina and Governor Joy (no he's not a governer, that is his given name) shared about her medical miracle of a near death event after donating bone marrow with an infection in the hip and than a wrong blood transfusion that had the dr's telling Governor it was time to pull the plug, but he refused.. 4 months later, she left the hospital alive..  Lina has been sharing her blessing of healing for 14 years. It's a powerful testimony and they give all the glory to their heavenly Father.
 
We go to our small group and at the onset of sitting down I begin by saying we will just get right into praying for healing with the belief it still happens. "S.E." begins explaining her sisters need for healing for her knee.. and I casually give her the response of "well we can pray for her later, "this has GOT to be about you, personally"... Because "S.E." has had dire experiences since a toddler into her teens of intense verbal, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of people her parents associated with in a lifestyle way out of the norm, she hears me say something else. She hears me say "this is NOT to be about you, personally". Which in hindsight she realizes doesn't make sense after seeing what happened, but it's where her mind took her.  She instantly reverts back into the memories of the humiliating words spoken to her about how "it isn't about you" so often and being blamed for the painful bloody wounds of a sister that were not her fault in an accident. Tonight she tells me that she wanted to bolt from the room immediately, but a part of her was trying to focus on what was going on, hearing the good that was going on in the circle, but yet her mind and heart were hurting and the tears started to flow. Which tears in our womens group is not abnormal! The trigger for her was transposing the words "Got" for "Not", and her counselor side trying to work through the place she was going, and doing okay enough to stay but being hurt by the words all over again.  But I didn't know what was happening and she said theres no way I could have known and that night if I had caught up with her she wouldn't have been able to explain it except it coming out in a jumbled babbling tear filled mess of words. Thankfully she stayed in the circle, contributed in the prayer time, but her tears were just flowing, and her mind was getting caught up in the replay of the emotions so painful.


She says now that by the time she had cried her way home, cried it out and thought about it, she realized that the tears had been working themselves up during a stressful week, hearing of her sisters plight just before coming, the Lina Joy healing story, and than what transpired above.. a bit like the floor coming out from under her.. tears were inevitable. The physcologist in her knew my words as she thought she heard them just started the avalance, but our conversation on the phone tonight and my asking her what it was I said that caused this.. (I was already apologizing that I had hurt her)... when she said the statement to me, I thought, wait a minute, I didn't say that.. and so I said wait a minute.. "S.E." that statement doesn't line up with what I actually said and how the prayer night for healing played out..  What I said was that "it's GOT to be about you" what your going to ask prayer about, and not about someone else.. She thought it through and we laughed that I just saved her a session on a therapy couch (no charge) for clearing up the misunderstanding.... we chatted a bit as to her's and my thoughts on how triggers with the deep emotional stresses she has endured, will always be a part of her and she knows that she has to work through them.
 
Praise Jesus for facing up to a supposed conflict head on and quickly, getting it out there on the table and correcting it.. so much easier than turning the other way and letting it "blow in the wind" unresolved. God is good to fill us with compassion and love for others..  And for "S.E." and I, a friendship not lost, but strengthened.